Friday, December 02, 2005

*This* close

Denise, your comment meant the world to me. I can't even begin to tell you how much. I was on a high all day because of it and I'm so glad you told me how special Thomas has been to you. As I said, I'll spend the rest of my life searching for reasons why, and I'm incredibly thankful to you for giving me a huge one to put on my list.

I'm particularly thankful right now because I'm having a very blue moment.

Do you know how close we were to having our dream come true? I don't think the agony of we were *this* close will ever leave me. I was so close I could taste it. I must have walked into Thomas nursery a million times, touching all the little things I couldn't wait for him to see and use. I opened up his closet just as many times, running my fingers across all the little outfits, sometimes taking them out and putting them on my belly or holding them as though he was in them. I diapered the teddy my sister bought for Thomas in London just for practice - and swaddled him for practice too.

I was ready. We were ready.

And our baby didn't come home.

We were *this* close.

I remember telling My Beloved that it felt like I'd fallen off Mount Everest and was now standing back at its base staring up, knowing I'd just climbed almostall the way to the top. Almost.

I'm losing hope that we'll ever make it up that mountain again.

It seems to come so easily to so many and it's getting so hard to bear it all - to keep smiling while the dreams we had come true for everyone around us.

It sounds selfish when I put it that way. Why shouldn't dreams come true for other people? Why should they have to know any of the pain we do? They shouldn't. So why is it that we have to know it?

Oh crap. I'm back to asking why. I thought I put that to bed last night, but evidently not.

My last few entries have been so scattered - but so are my thoughts these days. I think it's probably Christmas that has me so discombobulated. I generally have it all under control, but the holidays are throwing me off - forcing me to think about what we don't have in a way I don't really want to have to.

I just hate that for the rest of our lives we'll have live with the fact that we were *this* close.

I still sometimes catch myself shaking my head in utter disbelief.


Denise said...

((hugs)) I'm glad that my post didn't upset you. I believe in my heart that Thomas will have a brother or sister one day. I have to believe that or else life would just seem too unfair.

On a very different note...I made your peanut butter cookies...YUM! I'm sending you a couple virtual ones.

Catherine said...

So often you write the things I think...

I had to laugh at you usually having it under control. You SO sound like me at times. But you know what? I have learned the value of maybe letting that control go. I don't have to completely lose it, but I don't have to hang on so tight either.

I hope you're able to find some peaceful moments this holiday season.