Just a little over two hours left before we can officially flip the calendar and bid 2005 a hearty GOOD RIDDANCE! once and for all. I'm happy. I'm ready for a fresh start, new hope and the promise of better things. Or, at the very least, the promise of nothing as bad as what happened in 2005 happening in 2006.
In some ways I mourn the passing of the year that brought us our sweet boy because it feels like the turn of a new year means we're racing farther and farther away from him - from the first moments we saw him and the last moment we touched him - but I'm ready for this year to be over. Thomas will always be in my heart and I have to move on. I have no choice - time is taking me farther away from our time together whether I like it or not. I can choose to embrace the hope of a new year or stay mired in the sorrow of the old year.
It just feels like this is my chance for a clean break. Not from my sorrow - I'll carry that forever - but from the bad karma, pain, and sense of doom that 2005 holds for me. A million good things happened to me this year, but they have all been overshadowed by the death of our baby.
I can't have that continue. I need to focus on the good things that I hope 2006 will bring. And not just another baby, although of course that's on the top of my list. I need to find a balance between remembering my Thomas and celebrating the life I still have, even though he's no longer part of it.
I hope 2006 will bring joy to my family. I hope happiness will slowly replace some of the sorrow we're still all feeling so acutely. I hope 2006 will bring my family continued good health so that they can make the dreams they're dreaming, no matter how big or how small, come true. I hope those who are lonely find love. I hope those who are haunted find peace. I hope those who are angry find contentment. I hope those who are frustrated find release. I hope those who work hard are rewarded. I hope those who struggle find simplicity.
I hope our shitbox of a car holds out so we don't have to resort to having just one car. I hope I can finally completely clean out the spare room which has been turned into dumping ground for things we don't know what else to do with. I hope Freddie the vole and his friends will take up residence in someone else's garden. I hope we can get a new BBQ because I'm tired of eating everything blackened. I hope I can stay committed to Weight Watchers for longer than a week. I hope I can channel some of the energy I use to mourn into something positive and happy.
I am going to ask my Mom to re-teach me to knit. I am going to plant a kick-ass vegetable garden that will make this year's effort look pitiful. I am going to stuff my pudgy self into a bathing suit and take a water aerobics class with my best friend. I am going to tell my best friend that she and I are taking a water aerobics class. I am going to read more and write more. I am going to make a beautiful cake for my parent's 40th anniversary in April.
There are a thousand things I can do. I'm going to focus on those as much as possible because there are too many things in life that I have no control over.
All I can do, is what I can do.
And that will be my 2006.