I made an appointment with the cemetery to arrange for Thomas' grave marker today. I'm going on Monday morning, God help me. I know it's been almost 6 months, but it's a very hard thing to do. Putting the words down on a stone makes it very, very real. And very, very final.
I also wanted to wait until I was pretty sure I could do it without crying in front of strangers. I have to actually go into the cemetery and pass his grave to get to the office, so I needed to make sure I could do all that AND talk to the staff about his stone. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
I hate that I have to, I hate that I have to, I hate that I have to.
I just can't bear to have him lying in an unmarked grave any longer. That's now bothering me more than having to make the arrangements, so I know it's time. He's buried with my Grandparents (who have a stone of their own) so I know he's not alone, but no one knows he's there. No one passing by has any way to know that there's a sweet little soul tucked in there with his Great Grandparents, and that thought kills me. I want the world to know that a beautiful, beautiful boy named Thomas once lived and was loved so much by his Mommy and Daddy.
And once I've made the arrangements, that's all I can do for my sweet baby boy. It's the very last thing I can do as his Mother.