Thursday, August 18, 2005

And that's FINAL

I made an appointment with the cemetery to arrange for Thomas' grave marker today. I'm going on Monday morning, God help me. I know it's been almost 6 months, but it's a very hard thing to do. Putting the words down on a stone makes it very, very real. And very, very final.

I also wanted to wait until I was pretty sure I could do it without crying in front of strangers. I have to actually go into the cemetery and pass his grave to get to the office, so I needed to make sure I could do all that AND talk to the staff about his stone. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.

I hate that I have to, I hate that I have to, I hate that I have to.

I just can't bear to have him lying in an unmarked grave any longer. That's now bothering me more than having to make the arrangements, so I know it's time. He's buried with my Grandparents (who have a stone of their own) so I know he's not alone, but no one knows he's there. No one passing by has any way to know that there's a sweet little soul tucked in there with his Great Grandparents, and that thought kills me. I want the world to know that a beautiful, beautiful boy named Thomas once lived and was loved so much by his Mommy and Daddy.

And once I've made the arrangements, that's all I can do for my sweet baby boy. It's the very last thing I can do as his Mother.

5 comments:

Scrappy_Lady said...

((hugs)) to you Kristin. Thomas lives on in the hearts of many, and his memory inspires us to love deeper and hold stronger. Love to you.

mscooter said...

I don't see picking out Thomas' gravestone as the last thing you will do as his mother. You will love and cherish him as a mother does forever, there is no finality to that.

Wishing you all the strength you need... I know you can, I know you can, I know you can...

love and ((hugs)) to you

=^..^=A Script Kitty=^..^= said...

ITA w/the ladies. And his soul isn't there. His soul floats where heavy hearts lie within you & your beloved. You take him everywhere with you. He watches over you. He loves you. You will always be his parents.. his Mommy. Always. Just as if it were the other way around. No one can take that away.
I will be thinking about you on Monday as I do always. I wish you even more strength than you have now, which is immense already.
Nothing about loving someone is final.
You are loved.
=^..^=

Abby said...

Lots of H&S coming at you, and I'll be sending tons more your way on Monday...

Kori said...

I absolutely agree with the others. I understand what you mean by your blog post, but this is not your final act as his mother...it just one of your acts as his mother - doing something that is not easy for you, but that honors your child even though it breaks your heart to do...that is absolutely being a parent. So is talking to him, thinking of him, and remembering him...
I'm thinking of you always, Kristin, but not because of the sadness that you are afraid defines who you are, but because you are a terrific lady and I miss you and your wit and eloquent writing on the board. You even manage to be eloquent when you are pissed off ...that's talent :) LOLove