Yesterday was kind of a hard day. I guess it's because I was still reeling from the news of another lost soul and hurting so much for the poor parents who I know, like us, have a lifetime of sorrow facing them now. I was also hurting for my beloved and me, and remembering too much...
Going to the Mass where they do baptisms didn't help at all. I didn't mean to, but I'd slept in and had no choice. In retrospect maybe I shouldn't have gone at all, but I live in hope that one day I'll be sitting in church and peace and complete understanding will hit me as a ray of light envelopes me and angels sing.
It didn't happen yesterday. I cried almost all the way home instead.
My beloved had lunch waiting for me, as well as a big hug that cheered me up. We ate and went out for the afternoon. We eventually ended up at the grocery store where I bumped into a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years and years. She had her 11 month old daughter with her. Her other 11 month old daughter was at home with her husband. Twins. She has two babies. Two sweet little girls. Two.
I don't know why God insists on kicking me when I'm down, but I'm getting really good at pretending my heart hasn't stopped and my stomach hasn't dropped to the floor. We chatted about her babies and I smiled and cooed at the little one in her cart while I gripped my own empty cart with hands of steel. I kept willing her to ask me if we had any children. I wanted so desperately to tell her about my beautiful son, but she never asked. I just couldn't think of a way to bring up my dead baby standing in the cheese section at Loblaws, so I didn't. And then I felt guilty - like I'd somehow betrayed him. He's not a secret, he's my child for God's sake! How can I not talk about him? How can I not bring him up? What's wrong with me??
After we parted I walked around the store in a fog, randomly grabbing this and that. As a result we have way more cheese and yogurt than we need. And hot dogs too.
Why does it always happen at the grocery store? The secret ambushes and heart crushing sightings, I mean. I guess the bigger question is when will it all stop feeling like a kick in the gut? When will life stop beating the shit out of me?