Monday, August 15, 2005

TKO

Yesterday was kind of a hard day. I guess it's because I was still reeling from the news of another lost soul and hurting so much for the poor parents who I know, like us, have a lifetime of sorrow facing them now. I was also hurting for my beloved and me, and remembering too much...

Going to the Mass where they do baptisms didn't help at all. I didn't mean to, but I'd slept in and had no choice. In retrospect maybe I shouldn't have gone at all, but I live in hope that one day I'll be sitting in church and peace and complete understanding will hit me as a ray of light envelopes me and angels sing.

It didn't happen yesterday. I cried almost all the way home instead.

My beloved had lunch waiting for me, as well as a big hug that cheered me up. We ate and went out for the afternoon. We eventually ended up at the grocery store where I bumped into a friend from high school that I haven't seen in years and years. She had her 11 month old daughter with her. Her other 11 month old daughter was at home with her husband. Twins. She has two babies. Two sweet little girls. Two.

I don't know why God insists on kicking me when I'm down, but I'm getting really good at pretending my heart hasn't stopped and my stomach hasn't dropped to the floor. We chatted about her babies and I smiled and cooed at the little one in her cart while I gripped my own empty cart with hands of steel. I kept willing her to ask me if we had any children. I wanted so desperately to tell her about my beautiful son, but she never asked. I just couldn't think of a way to bring up my dead baby standing in the cheese section at Loblaws, so I didn't. And then I felt guilty - like I'd somehow betrayed him. He's not a secret, he's my child for God's sake! How can I not talk about him? How can I not bring him up? What's wrong with me??

After we parted I walked around the store in a fog, randomly grabbing this and that. As a result we have way more cheese and yogurt than we need. And hot dogs too.

Why does it always happen at the grocery store? The secret ambushes and heart crushing sightings, I mean. I guess the bigger question is when will it all stop feeling like a kick in the gut? When will life stop beating the shit out of me?

7 comments:

Abby said...

If you want, I'll come to Canada and do your grocery shopping for you. But you'd definitely end up with lots of chocolate and other junk food. And probably some more hot dogs, too -- I hear they're really good cut up in macaroni & cheese (or Kraft Dinner, as you crazy Canadians like to call it)...

BULLSEYE said...

We have not succeeded in answering all of our problems - indeed, we have not completely answered any of them. The answers we have found have only served to raise a whole new set of questions. In some ways we feel we are as confused as ever, but we think we are confused on a much higher level about more important things

Chrissy said...

DYK I wonder if it would help to go grocery shopping in the evening for awhile? There are usually less kids and families out in the evening.

DYK I'm sending hugs to you because I know this must be a difficult time reconciling your current feelings with those you were feeling right after Thomas passed?

Nina said...

Sending you some hugs today!

=^..^=A Script Kitty=^..^= said...

I'm sending you tons of hugs because I just don't know what to do or say.
Hugs,
=^..^=

Jules2pies4me said...

DYK I hope you got some really really good ice cream or least brownies?

DYK I think of you often and just wanted to forward a (((hug)))

Neillee said...

I found your site through Abby's and wanted to post a huge (((((((hug))))))) for you. I thought of you when I heard about Sher and wondered if you were doing ok having to relive this. Then I read all your eloquently written posts on this site and realized you live this every day. I wish I could come there and hug you. I only can wish for 1/2 the strength you have during tough times in my life!