I'm worn out.
We chose Thomas' stone this morning. It's a beautiful, deep, reddish-pink granite and it will have a small angel cuddling with a lamb engraved in the bottom left corner. Before he was born my Mom bought Thomas a soft little praying lamb that played "Jesus Loves Me". It was a shower gift, actually. I used to wind it up and hold it against my belly so Thomas could hear it. I remember my Mom singing that little hymn to me when I was small, and I hoped hearing it would help Thomas find comfort in its familiar tune after he was born if he was ever scared or sad.
Now it's me finding comfort in a small engraved lamb and angel that will be on his grave marker.
I hate every single second of this.
I came home and cried. I cried until I thought my head was going to explode and the wall I was leaning it against was stained with mascara and tears. A very good friend told me she knew Thomas was with me today, so I held out my hand and told him to take it.
It should be the other way around. I should be looking after HIM - wiping HIS tears and soothing HIS cries. But instead I'm calling on him for strength to help me get through this life without him.
This is just so wrong. I feel like I'll be shaking my head in anguished awe for the rest of my life.
PLAYING IN GOD'S GARDEN
AND SLEEPING IN THE ARMS OF THE ANGELS.
THOMAS JOSEPH Z____
MARCH 9 - MARCH 10 2005
PRECIOUS SON OF S____ AND K______
WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU.
7 comments:
I'm sending you huge hugs. We're all thinking about you, Sandy, & Thomas today.
A lamb & angel are perfect, just like he is.
(((HUGS))
=^..^=
Crying right along with you...
I wish I could be there to hold your hand, and I hope you could feel Thomas with you today.
I wish more than anything that you didn't have to go through any of this...
Thinking about you, Sandy and Thomas today. ((hugs))
Kim
In so many ways I barely know you. Yet I wish I could have been there by your side today to hold your hand and comfort you. I wish with all my heart I could take away the pain, longing and hurt even if just for a day. Thinking of you, Sandy and Thomas.
(((((HUGS)))))))
I wanted you to know that we all are thinking about you!
I was thinking about you, Sandy and Thomas all day. I can't find the words to say what I want to so I am just going to send you a lot of love.
Claire
I have been thinking about you, Sandy, and Thomas all week. I am glad Thomas was with you and helped you through the difficult day. I wish I could have been there in person to help you as well, but please know I am always here in spirit to help in any way I can.
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