Thursday, August 25, 2005

The stone

I'm worn out.

We chose Thomas' stone this morning. It's a beautiful, deep, reddish-pink granite and it will have a small angel cuddling with a lamb engraved in the bottom left corner. Before he was born my Mom bought Thomas a soft little praying lamb that played "Jesus Loves Me". It was a shower gift, actually. I used to wind it up and hold it against my belly so Thomas could hear it. I remember my Mom singing that little hymn to me when I was small, and I hoped hearing it would help Thomas find comfort in its familiar tune after he was born if he was ever scared or sad.

Now it's me finding comfort in a small engraved lamb and angel that will be on his grave marker.

I hate every single second of this.

I came home and cried. I cried until I thought my head was going to explode and the wall I was leaning it against was stained with mascara and tears. A very good friend told me she knew Thomas was with me today, so I held out my hand and told him to take it.

It should be the other way around. I should be looking after HIM - wiping HIS tears and soothing HIS cries. But instead I'm calling on him for strength to help me get through this life without him.

This is just so wrong. I feel like I'll be shaking my head in anguished awe for the rest of my life.


MARCH 9 - MARCH 10 2005



=^..^=A Script Kitty=^..^= said...

I'm sending you huge hugs. We're all thinking about you, Sandy, & Thomas today.
A lamb & angel are perfect, just like he is.

Abby said...

Crying right along with you...

I wish I could be there to hold your hand, and I hope you could feel Thomas with you today.

I wish more than anything that you didn't have to go through any of this...

kimberm71 said...

Thinking about you, Sandy and Thomas today. ((hugs))

Chrissy said...

In so many ways I barely know you. Yet I wish I could have been there by your side today to hold your hand and comfort you. I wish with all my heart I could take away the pain, longing and hurt even if just for a day. Thinking of you, Sandy and Thomas.

JPAKAJR said...

I wanted you to know that we all are thinking about you!

Traci_007 said...

I'm so, so sorry you had to do this. Sometimes life can be completely unfair. You've been in my heart and mind all week. I've been praying for you much of the day. I hope you and Sandy get some well-needed rest this evening.


Kori said...

Lots of love and hugs to you. Thomas was there with you today and every day, I know it. Even though you reach out for him to comfort you, you are both comforting each other in these moments.

Jules2pies4me said...

Always remember you have an unending amount of love, support and virtual hugs surrounding you. My heart goes out to you and Sandy today and every day....

cjzben said...

I was thinking about you, Sandy and Thomas all day. I can't find the words to say what I want to so I am just going to send you a lot of love.


Nina said...

I have been thinking about you, Sandy, and Thomas all week. I am glad Thomas was with you and helped you through the difficult day. I wish I could have been there in person to help you as well, but please know I am always here in spirit to help in any way I can.