Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Control freak

I've been doing Weight Watchers since the beginning of January. For the record, I say "doing" Weight Watchers because saying "subjecting myself to the agony of deprivation", although accurate, is depressing. Weight Watchers - hell, any kind of diet - is torture to emotional eaters like myself. I'm sad, I eat. And I've been sad quite a lot lately (round about a year and two weeks, actually). But I'm not allowed to eat my way out of it anymore.

I sound like I'm complaining, but it's all good. It's actually very, very good.

Why? Well, curbing my tendency to use food as a salve aside, it's good because it's given me some control back. And noticeably thinner thighs as an added bonus.

I lost control of everything when Thomas died. I couldn't save him - we couldn't do a thing to keep him here with us. Something like that makes you feel as powerless as dandylion fluff in the wind, and that feeling has an awful way of sticking with you. I had nothing to hold on to - no way to take any power back from the world that stole it from me.

But I found a way in January. Weight Watchers.

Yes, I'm sorry to say I have yet to have a religious epiphany of any sort, but I think this one is pretty damn good in the meantime.

I have complete and utter control over this. I can gain or lose depending on what I do or don't do. It's up to ME. Seriously, it's all up to me. Me and my sometimes questionable willpower.

But we're hanging in. I've lost 18.4 pounds as of Monday, and I did it all by myself. Well yes, with Weight Watchers online guidance, but for the most part this is my victory and mine alone.

It's my superpower, if you will. I can shed pounds.

Just watch me.

But don't watch too closely because sometimes I cheat. For instance, 3/4 of the birthday cake I made on Thomas' birthday is in the freezer and it's been calling, calling, calling my name relentlessly for about a week.

And of course we all know there's only one way to shut cake up...

(Really, I SWEAR I have control over this!!)


Anam Cara said...

You are doing so well with your diet! That is fantastic. It is OK to cheat sometimes - it would be impossible to resist food temptation ALL the time (I guess that is why WW is good because you can allocate your points how you want to, right??) I am sure eating a little bit of the birthday cake each day would be fine! Thomas would want you to. Good luck!

kate said...

Wow, 18 lbs, i am impressed! You go girl!

Mmm...cake...that reminds me i have one last one of Nicolas' cupcakes left...not for long though...

Margaret said...

You know, sometimes a little piece of cake now and then is just what the WW meeting leader ordered ;-)

I'm very proud of you, btw. 18 lbs is GREAT!

Erin said...

WAY TO GO!!!!! 18lbs is FANTASTIC!!

When we do coffee (if I can ever get away from my crummy job) we will celebrate that too!!!

Nikki said...

That is awesome news Kristin I cannot believe you have lost 18lbs that is fantastic!!! You deserve a huge pat on the back!! I say have a piece of that birthday cake (moderation is key right?) I would join you but I have my own weight battles lol

Sherry said...

You go, girl! 18.4 lbs. is AWESOME!!! And, having a few little bites of Thomas' cake won't break you - it might feel kinda good, actually. ;-)

R said...

I like your blog.
I am doing WW too... I am SUCH an emotional eater. Why, I've eaten 10 points today and it's 8:48 AM? :)


Laura said...

Yay Kristin! 18 pounds since January is awesome! I'm on the WW wagon, too.(Since Feb. 17th) Maybe we can swap recipes. I agree with you about getting some control back. That's exactly why I'm doing it. We didn't have any control at all with what happened to us, but at least we can try our hardest to control this.

Abby said...

Woo hooo! 18 lbs is awesome!

I say, go ahead and have some of Thomas' cake to congratulate yourself! ;)


Bronwyn said...

18 pounds -- that's great!!! You're really an inspiration. I've had 15 pounds or so to lose for ages (even before the baby) and I only managed to lose a few of them recently as a result of 4 days of emotionally induced starvation. WW seems like a much more sensible approach :)

I say go for the cake! you've certainly earned it and I bet Thomas would love to see you smile as you enjoy it.

Teresa said...

Congratulations on your weight loss!! You're doing great! I'm an emotional eater as well. Sad, depressed, lonely, bored, happy, restless= eating. I'm re-learning to eat healthy-sized portions, and not eat from emotional cues. It's a tough battle. Keep up the great efforts! (A little piece of cake every few weeks won't sabotage your efforts.)