I think I've realized why I'm suddenly unable to beg God for another baby (something I was exceedingly good at not so long ago). It dawned on me at church this morning while I was mumbling a confused and scattered prayer before Mass started.
If I don't ask for something, I can't be disappointed when I don't get it. And if I don't get something, I can't lose it.
It makes perfect sense. I would love to have another baby - I would love to know what it feels like to bring a baby home from the hospital and be a parent to a child who lives and grows - but I'm afraid for so many reasons. Not the least of which is that I don't know how much more unanswered begging I can deal with or if my heart can take any more sorrow.
So if I don't ask for or expect anything, I'm safe. Safer, anyway.
It can't be healthy to be playing mind games with yourself, can it? And yet I've just started what appears to be a pretty damn big tournament.