Sunday, March 05, 2006

Let the games begin

I think I've realized why I'm suddenly unable to beg God for another baby (something I was exceedingly good at not so long ago). It dawned on me at church this morning while I was mumbling a confused and scattered prayer before Mass started.

If I don't ask for something, I can't be disappointed when I don't get it. And if I don't get something, I can't lose it.

It makes perfect sense. I would love to have another baby - I would love to know what it feels like to bring a baby home from the hospital and be a parent to a child who lives and grows - but I'm afraid for so many reasons. Not the least of which is that I don't know how much more unanswered begging I can deal with or if my heart can take any more sorrow.

So if I don't ask for or expect anything, I'm safe. Safer, anyway.

It can't be healthy to be playing mind games with yourself, can it? And yet I've just started what appears to be a pretty damn big tournament.

1 comment:

Sherry said...

We shouldn't have to play these stupid mind games, should we? Nobody wins in the end.

And, isn't it terrible how twisted our logic has become? I hate, hate, HATE that we even have to consider approaching life in this manner - always trying to one-up ourselves and beat ourselves at our own sad game.

But, you're not alone; I was playing a similar one just today. Right now, I think the score is tied. (((HUGS)))