Tuesday, March 14, 2006

To sleep, perchance to dream

Now that my waking head seems to be in a somewhat better place (I think), my sleeping head is taking up the slack by maintaining a healthy level of nocturnal turmoil and sorrow.

Dreams. All manner of bad, sad, scary and depressing ones, all night long. And it's been going on for about a week. I wake up so tired, what with having no respite from my sorrow. I've become very used to being able to escape the pain by closing my eyes at night - I've had a year's worth of protection from reality which has been much needed and immensely therapeutic. I had a bout of nightmares a few months ago, but they disappeared after a few days.

I'm hoping that's what will happen this time too.

The dreams aren't Halloween II style gory, but they're much more disturbing to me because they're so real. I wake up wanting and expecting relief and I find that I'm still living a nightmare - only one that makes slightly more sense.

Last night's was about a charity golf tournament being held for Thomas by my Dad's high school alumni association. I thought it was very sweet of them, but I was confused. The funds were going towards the search effort - but I knew Thomas wasn't lost, just gone. Dead.

I didn't quite know how to tell them, however, because they were so Earnest. And then, of course, I started getting confused and forgetting that he wasn't dead. I'd think there was hope, and then remember and be devastated all over again.

See? Waking up after something like that is pretty fucking depressing.

The other thing that's depressing? My Beloved repeatedly coming in to show me pictures of me when I was fatter. He's a good heart - I know the poor boy thinks he's helping.

And really, it's my fault. I said that I don't see a huge difference yet and he's desperately trying to prove me wrong, evidently by hunting down the fattest me he can find.


Okay, I think the cat just farted. It's very clearly time for bed.

Sweet dreams. I hope...


Anam Cara said...

Men.....trying to be "helpful" but they just don't get it sometimes :) I hope you had a nice sleep last night. You deserve some peace and a good night's rest. (((Hugs)))

Sherry said...

(((HUGS))) Hmmm ... maybe I need to be more specific with my requests to the Man Upstairs when I pray for peaceful moments for you. Apparently, he's not including sleep time!

And, maybe you're not seeing your weight-loss achievement, but, with having lost 16.4 lbs., that's quite a noticeable and substantial loss! YAY! Yes, sometimes men don't quite get it, but obviously your Beloved's heart was in the right place when he presented the irrefutable proof that you're thinner. Maybe it just wasn't the best time to show you that proof of your accomplishment, when you're so frustrated and sad about your dreams.

I hope your slumber last night was more relaxed and peaceful. And I hope the cat didn't force you out of the room with her cutting of the cheese. ;-)

Bronwyn said...

Your Beloved sounds like he meant well, but his timing was a bit off. I hope you had a better sleep last night and that Thomas sent you some sweet dreams. (((Big hug)))

Shinny said...

Oh farting cats, don't you just love them? I have 3 that seem to think my lap is just the best place in the world to be lately.
Hopefully, it wasn't the cat's farts sending you bad dreams, does it sleep with you? The mysterious "They" say that smells or certain foods will give you bad dreams. So blame the cat.
I hope the dreams start to get better or just go away. Of course we do get the benefit of some awesome posts. ;) Take care and I hope you get some sleep soon.