Saturday, March 04, 2006

What should have been

I woke up about 30 minutes ago and, because it was stupidly early, lay in bed thinking instead of getting right up. My eyes eventually drifted towards the picture of Thomas on the wall beside our bed, and as soon as I saw his perfect little face I realized that today would have been the day we'd have had his first birthday party.

It would have been today.

Would have.

So completely, fucking, mind-blowingly insane. Would have.

I indulged for a few moments, and thought about what might have been - the cake, the cousins, the proud Grandmas and Grandpas, Auntie K and the truckload of things I know she'd have excitedly dragged into the house for Thomas...

And then I had to stop. Because really, what's the point? It's never going to happen. There's no party here today - there's just me, My Beloved and a hungry, disgruntled cat who's sitting four inches from my right arm waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting for me to go get her breakfast.

It's such a pretty morning. I think it would have been a nice day for Thomas' first birthday party.

Damn. Damn and every other expletive you can possibly think of.

10 comments:

Catherine said...

I'm so sorry. This is just not fair. {{{hugs}}}

Sherry said...

((((HUGS)))) to you. I wish I could do more than just offer that - I really do.

Anam Cara said...

I am so sorry sweetie. Thomas should be here having his 1st birthday party today and it is so grossly unfair that he isn't. I'm angry and sad that you have to suffer this pain, but most of all, my heart breaks for you. Sending you big (((hugs)))).

Denise said...

It's beautiful here on the coast as well...maybe Thomas is sending some sunshine to all of us today. Huge hugs.

Jill said...

I'm so sorry. It never seems to end (((hugs)))

cjzben said...

It really just isn't fair. It should have been. I'm so sorry.

Chrissy said...

((((((Hugs)))))))
Thinking of you!

DinosaurD said...

Happy Birthday Thomas.
DinoD

kate said...

((((((((hugs)))))))) I am sorry.

By the way i finally dragged myself to church this saturday, for the first time in months and months (they have a 4 pm saturday service). I had enough money in pocket to light 2 candles, so i lit one for Nicolas and one for Thomas. Then i walked out cursing, because it is so awful that the best i can do for my baby (and yours) is to light a candle in a church.

kimberm71 said...

I haven't been on the board in a while let alone read your blog. I still found myself thinking of you this past week. I just wanted to let you know that I'm so sorry you are going through this. Many, many ((((hugs)))) to you and your family.