Oh John...

It never fails. The first beautiful spring day (a perfect day for a nice long walk) and My Beloved and I are struck with epic fatigue and unrelenting sinus headaches from the very change in the weather that made it so beautiful outside. It's quite amazing how heavy your legs can feel and how much effort walking can be when you're tired and headachy.

We went for a good long walk anyway but, well, it was kind of like dragging two anvils through cement. Only not as much fun.

Despite the lethargy and my aching head, it was still good to get out in the sunshine and warm-ish spring air with My Beloved though. I pretty much like going anywhere with him.

Hmmm. It would seem that misery really does love company.

We've dealt with Thomas' death differently, but there's such an easiness about being with someone who knows the depth of your loss in a way no one else on the planet can. There's nothing to explain, nothing to apologize for and a shared determination to make it through as best we can - together.

On achy, tired spring days it's good to know I have a partner. Particularly when the trails we walk are often littered with happy little families. It's a bit like running the gauntlet. It would be much easier if I could just look away, but I can't not look into the carriages and smile at the little faces looking back at me.

I'm a glutton for punishment, I suppose. My own worst enemy, and all that.

But the fact remains that I love babies. I love watching them and playing with them and holding them and smiling at them and coaxing a smile out of a wary and puzzled little face. I don't know if I do it more now that Thomas has come and gone or not, but for some reason it seems more important now. I don't know if I'm trying to find healing, trying to prove I'd have been a good mommy or just trying to desensitize myself, but whatever the case, I just can't look away.

Even on days when I know it's probably best for my heart if I do.

To quote John Lennon, nobody told me there'd be days like these.