Thursday, March 16, 2006

It's a dirty job

Anyone who has spent more than five minutes trying to conceive has probably heard of fertility software like Fertility Friend. FF, as those of us in the trenches call it, is online charting software that lets you track your cycles - in incredibly intimate detail - in order to determine when your best chances to conceive are.

If you choose to make all the gory bits "public" (and therefore accessible to anyone who knows the link to your chart) your chart stalkers can see everything from what type and quality of fluids are coming out of you on any given day, to the number of days in a month you consider yourself gassy.

Nothing is sacred.

The other day I found myself feeling a little bound up, and so made sure to click the "constipated" button when entering that day's stats on my trusty chart. But as soon as I did I felt weird - kind of like I'd imagine you'd feel if you wore pajamas and bed-head to work - and didn't brush your teeth before leaving the house. I admitted something embarrassingly personal (about my bum, no less) and knew that the 180 or so ladies on my chat board would, if they happened to chart stalk me, know that I didn't get enough fiber the day before.

The thing is, I don't give a rat's ass about clicking that I'm urinating more often, breaking out, irritable, headachy, nauseated, crampy or basking in the glow of post-coital bliss, but for some reason I'm always loathe to admit when the old plumbing is backed up.

So why do it? Why admit the poop-shoot is running slow? I dunno.

Nothing makes much sense to me anymore. Logic would dictate that if you're embarrassed to admit something publicly you should avoid doing so, but all the rules changed when Thomas died. Normal logic no longer applies in all areas of my life.

So if FF asks, I tell. And anyone with the link can find out too. 'Cause I'm sure the highlight of most everyone's day would be to know if I crapped or not.

Oy. I need to get pregnant soon.

9 comments:

kate said...

:)) You made me laugh! Thank you!

Sending you lots of *****baby dust******

Shinny said...

You know, I have the same issue of posting that on FF. Weird, huh? No problem with all the rest of the gorey details of bodily fluid leakage though.
Good luck in the Pooping project. Some green beer today may help you "speed" things up. ;)

Sherry said...

Oh, you poor girl! And, as one of the aforementioned chart-stalkers, I'll have you know that I didn't notice you checked ~that~ box! I was checking that AF hadn't barged through the door.

Maybe we need to ligthen the mood more and add our own custom checkboxes. For instance, if you're especially gassy, make a new checkbox that reads, "Farting up a storm!" That might help to keep the laborious process of TTC and charting a lttle more light-hearted and even provide a chuckle or two. ;-)

Erin said...

See, I totally get that, which is way I hide my extra details.

DinosaurD said...

I put it up on my calendar (in the kitchen) - Kristen's constipated.
Sending you good thoughts of much fibre.
DinoD

Sonny Shine said...

That was a little more then I needed to know, but I want you to know that since I have been visiting your blog, you have been in my prayers at night before I retire. I go out to the garden gazeebo and say my nightly prayers for you and all my friends. I wish you the best of luck in getting pregnant, but you'll have to speak to your hubby about that one...can't help you there! :)

Sarah said...

:) I get what you mean... I sort of feel like the whole 'getting' pregnant and staying pregnant and having a living baby thing is so totally out of my control that it almost seems fine to just throw it all out there on the web for all to see. If I even get pg I won’t have much say in some aspects of my care and will be at the beck and call of a suite of doctors. On the whole baby front I feel like I am a guinea pig in a maze following the path others create for me. And that everyone can see how I’m doing finishing the maze and where I stumble along the way… And I guess sometimes those stumbles involve poop issues!

cjzben said...

Oh Kristin you made me laugh so hard. Thank you!!

I am all for Sherry's idea of making up catagories and can't wait to see which days she might be "farting up a storm".

Denise said...

Too funny! I have a theory...since you are doing so well on WW...I think that you are going to get that BFP just so you can happily gain all that weight back in baby weight! I'm not sure if that is the pessimist or optimist in me speaking.